When Your Best Just Isn't Enough At Christmas

Five years ago, I met a young man and his family though an online self-help forum. They lived in Florida, I live in Washington State. But this fifteen-year-old's dad, a life-long alcoholic, had abandoned the family years before, and his departure left a void so big in the young man's life that any dad, even one who lived across the country and could only talk to him on the phone, was preferable to none at all. That's where I came in.

Five years later, this twenty-year-old lives with me now. His Bipolar Disorder and severe emotional problems have made him unwelcome to his mother, his sister, and almost everyone else who has ever reached out to him. Emotionally, he's about fifteen now. An angry, unsatisfied fifteen. His humor can be very inappropriate. His temper is a raging inferno. His demands can be unreasonable and consuming. But I've adopted him as my own, and that's all that matters now.

Apparently, my siblings don't agree. A few days ago, the word reached me that I was, as usual, welcome at the family Christmas party, but Alex (not his real name) was not. I was stunned. I knew one of my sisters had taken a real dislike to Alex, but I had no idea the bad feeling had spread this far.

There are no words to express my disappointment. I thought my family was bigger than this. I thought they would understand that Alex is troubled, that he needs time to keep growing and to learn about life. I thought they would be patient, knowing this is important to me. I thought they would care.

But with such a condition thrown in my face, I felt I had no choice. What kind of person would I be, if I didn't stand up for Alex? What would it make me if I left him at home, alone, while I went off to the party?

Today was the day. I lied to Alex, telling him we were skipping the family party this year. I couldn't bear to tell him about another rejection, another group he wasn't good enough for. I dropped my mom off at the party. No one came out to greet me. I left with Alex, and we did other things for a few hours until it was time to pick mom up. No one came out to see me off.

On our way home, Alex got into one of his moods and verbally attacked me. In my anger, I almost...almost, blurted out the real circumstances of the day. What better object lesson of the results of his behavior? But I didn't do it. I left again.

Now, here I sit, in my office at work, near midnight, just a few days before Christmas. Rarely in my life have I felt so alone, so sorry for myself. But could it be that my problems are minor?

A few minutes ago, I got a text from another young man, now 21, that I met in that same group years ago. He lives in New Jersey. His family has exploded and there is no one left to help him. He's struggling through college on part-time jobs and I've sent him what money I can to help out. Now he's been laid off, he had to move out of his rented room, the college is closing down for Christmas break, and he has nowhere to go but his car. At Christmas. In the snow.

I've texted him and called him, offering to fly him out here for Christmas break, but he's not replying and I don't know why. Tears are running down my face. There is so much hurt this Christmas, so much need. There is so little I can do to fill it. Sometimes my best just isn't enough.

I need a baby in a manger. I need a star shining brightly in the heavens. I need three kings bearing gifts. I need the peace Christmas is supposed to bring. Please.